It has been a while since I posted. I’ve been caught up in the swell and spiral of business, my habit, my tendency when I get stressed or when my depression gets a little out of sorts. I’m struggling with an unhappy living space, feeling a lack of independence as my schedule depends fully on the bus schedule, and trying to piecemeal together what I want my life post YAV to look like. I’ve been beyond exhausted.
I miss the simplicity of having some things decided for me, of having community days. Of community meals and doing chores together (heck of having other people, however inconsistently, doing chores. All tea all shade to the current situation.)
But there are good things about right now. I sing. A lot. I have some great folks at work I see even if it’s just across the call floor to make faces at or spontaneously break into “my call is on hold so I’m going to dance to the weird elevator music” grooves. I use my bullet journal pretty frequently and try to draw or paint something in it everyday. I spend time with doggo and since we jerry-rigged the fence up he gets to run around like a doofus, which makes me laugh a whole lot. We snuggle up on the couch when I watch netflix (currently I’m watching Charmed, which I had never seen. 90s relived. it’s grand)
So I have been thinking about what I am missing, what could help make some of this less…stressful and make me feel less like I’m spiraling into a constant haze of working simply to exist and not enjoying this thing called life.
And then I wondered to myself if perhaps part of what I was missing was the simple living thing. Really, the intentional living. I don’t stop to think about things a lot of the time. I just do. I don’t take the time to think about how I feel a lot. And I looked around the house and I realized that part of my stress is just that I’m constantly picking up trash. Not just mine. It’s been that way since I moved in. I mean, yes, I’m aware that trash is a part of life, at least it seemingly is. But then I pondered, well…does it have to be?
So I’ve been doing research. What can I do to reduce my waste. I mean, the big thing here is sometimes my energy level is low, it’s just going to be. I accept that. So I’m looking to balance this with a few other things I thought about but step one for me was less single use stuff. I can’t control my roommate. I can ask her to do things and if she doesn’t, I have to choose how it is I want to live. Do I leave things until I either am so frustrated that it is affecting how I feel or she deals with them, or do I just do it and say something, or what. More to ponder, yes, but it was a big realization. I’m sure she probably feels much the same.
The second was I miss cooking, but often given how grocery shopping on the bus works (and that my roommate has a tendency to make HUGE batches of things and then not clean the dishes for about a week. So I have nothing to cook in.) I have energy either to cook or to shop. So it’s figuring out how to mitigate eating so much processed food because it makes me feel like crap. I’m aware of it. But before I was wasting food because I would come home to literally every pan dirty and just be overwhelmed. So I’m at the stage of pick 2 of three I can do. I’d rather cook and clean up. So, I guess I have to find a solution there (even though I love shopping.) Eliminate the bus and it’s not so much of an issue, but the trip to the store is a 2 hour (there and back) ordeal on the days I have time to do it.
These are just the two biggest things. There’s more. But those two things alone I realize are the majority of what makes me feel so stressed. I want to live simply, to live intentionally, to keep it together and not over consume, not waste things. To be good to the planet and myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes it just takes a lot of soul searching and it always takes a lot of effort. Simple living is anything but simple to do.
Have a lovely day y’all.